The day(s) we say goodbye

Today is my daughter’s funeral.

That’s a sentence you never want to write.

Of all my experiences in life so far, saying goodbye to me daughter, has to be the worst. In fact, I really, genuinely hope that I don’t have to go through another thing as difficult and painful as this.

And the worst thing is, we’ve already done it once.

We were lucky (another choice term), when Tilly left us, because she was able to stay with us, in our hospital suite, for a couple of days, whilst Charlotte recovered from her surgery.

However, once this had happened, and we were preparing to leave, a dark cloud appeared. It grew with every minute as we got nearer to being discharged, knowing that she couldn’t leave the hospital with us.

As the moment neared, Charlotte and I both got choked up, and tried to busy ourselves with the mundane, before going back to spend precious moments with Tilly.

We were eventually given an option – to leave the suite, and Tilly, or to have Tilly taken from us. We chose the latter of the two – it literally felt like the better of two evils not to leave her in the room on her own.

With that, we left.

And having done that, and having slowly got over it, we go again.

I have no idea how the ceremony will go. All I can say is that I plan carry Tilly into the service, and I also plan to say a few words about just how beautiful, strong, amazing and perfect our daughter was.

I can’t say whether I will be able to do either of these.

But for Tilly, I will try my best.

Time to kill

When we arrived at Newcastle, Charlotte was admitted to ward 34, in the Leazes maternity wing. This is a dedicated ward for people with pre-natal maternity challenges.

This is a fantastic place full of friendly staff, who are trying to help women through a whole manner of different pre-birth challenges. They do this with kindness, understanding and compassion.

The nature of the ward means that fathers are allowed to be there a lot of the time – barring a two hour slot at lunchtime, so the pregnant women can get some rest.

For a week, I had the challenge of finding something to do between 12pm and 2pm, when the ward was closed off. The choice of staying in the hospital and having another Costa, wasn’t always appealing.

For the first couple of days, I would wander the city, and as the weather was glorious, it almost felt pleasant. Until I remembered why we were there.

As our visit wasn’t entirely planned, I was also able to pick up some new clothes for Charlotte and I, to get us through our time away. During this time I’d tend to stop for a coffee and lunch, and possibly even a glass of wine.

After two days, I realised this wasn’t going to be something I should continue – both from a financial point of view and for the benefit of my own health!

Instead, I joined a gym! More about that, and the two visits I managed before things changed, in a future blog.

Hospital signage

You’ll find that some of my new blog posts are serious, and some are more light-hearted. They won’t be chronological, and they might well appear random. But what they represent are some of the thoughts and observations that struck me during the month.

When Charlotte’s waters broke, we knew it wasn’t great news. She was only 24 weeks’ pregnant, and we knew that our baby, our Tilly, would be unlikely to survive such an early labour.

Our local hospital, the West Cumberland in Whitehaven, quickly and sensibly transferred us to the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle, where our consultant is based. This is where we spent the best-part (best couldn’t be a less suitable word) of the next two weeks.

There are a few things worth knowing about the RVI:

1) It’s a very good hospital, and it has a specialist fetal/foetal medicine department, which is one of the best in the country

2) It’s a very large hospital with a dedicated maternity wing. This ward is quite some distance from both the main entrance and the multi-storey car park – i.e. anywhere I’d ever be coming from!

As a result of 2), my step count each day we were in the hospital tended to be impressive. I became a dab hand at knowing the quirks of the hospital and its navigation. These include things like wings only being connected on certain levels, needing to find a hidden staircase, and others.

Walking these routes meant I also had lots of time to take note of the signage. As you’d expect in a busy hospital – it needs to be clear and unambiguous. By and large they achieve this through consistent design, typefaces and colours (blue for the Leazes/maternity wing, black on yellow for the eye hospital, and so on).

I say by and large, because I spent quite a considerable amount of time pondering why the typeface on the signage is almost always Arial/Helvetica or similar, barring a few signs near to A and E which use the London Underground font.

On a similar note, the spelling of fetal occasionally had an added o.

As I say, walking the hospital each day gave me a lot of time to think!

The only man in the room

Hello everyone.

As you’ll notice, I’ve not blogged for some time. Previously, I largely blogged about my weight-loss journey (I’ll let you know if I ever find the right route for this), and the name of the blog reflected the gender-balance at weight-loss groups.

I’ll likely blog about this again in the future, but now I want to write about something else in my life – my recent experiences of maternity services. These blogs will be written through the eyes of a grieving father, but I hope that I can find some light amongst the darkness. The name still feels fitting given the gender-split of staffing within the amazing maternity services we experienced.

I hope you will find the blogs interesting, and possibly insightful, if you are going through similar circumstances. If you are, I am so incredibly sorry for your pain and that you’ve stumbled upon my thoughts for this reason.

However, my primary reason for writing these blogs is to record my own thoughts, observations and memories, as a record, which I hope I will find cathartic.

This blog is, as are all that will follow, in loving memory of my daughter Tilly, who was born and left us on Saturday 26 May 2018.

Changing my mindset

Like my other recent posts, one of the reason I’m writing them is the remind myself of how I succeed when I’m in the zone, rather than focusing on the days when I’m struggling.

So one of the things I have noticed recently is that my attitude and mindset is changing. Only slightly, but the changes I’m making are positive and are helping my weight loss journey.

I’m writing this post on the train to London. I’m in first class, so get free food and drink. In the past I’d have said yes to everything on offer. Today that would have seen me have two meals and a handful of alcoholic drinks.

When they came and offered the second food choice today, I declined. I didn’t think, “I’m paying for it so should have it,” but instead noted that I wasn’t hungry and decided that was all I needed to consider!

Similarly, I’ve had a couple of gin and tonics and enjoyed them, but I don’t need more, so a diet soft drink is sufficient now.

I enjoy a meal out, and won’t stop doing that, even when trying to lose weight. But what I can do is make those choices healthier. That doesn’t have to mean only going for salads and light choices, but it means making an informed choice and cutting out things like unneeded courses, extras and side dishes. I used to be the king of thinking, what else can I have with this meal. So garlic bread, extra veg, the chicken on a Caesar salad were all obvious choices to me. Not now, I eschew these and choose the meal I really want.

I’ve been doing lots of exercises, as I’ve mentioned in a previous blog. I’m now at the stage where I look forward to this of an evening. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I didn’t choose to do a few extra minutes/calories/distance rather than wishing I could escape early. They say it takes thirty days for something to become a habit. I’m definitely feeling that now.

These are all fairly small choices on their own, but it’s what they represent to me that is more important. Being healthy has moved up the priority list for the choices I make, and that can only be a good thing!

To many people, I don’t doubt this sounds obvious and simple. But if I always thought that, I wouldn’t be trying to lose weight and writing his blog.

The only man in the room.

What I’m doing…

In my last blog, I outlined my new approach to healthy living for 2016, and how it seems to be working. I also said my next blog would outline what I was doing in more detail – so that I can remember on the days where being healthy feels impossible!
I won’t go into a lot of detail because everyone different, what works for me might now work for you, and what works for me now might not in the future – if I get bored or used to it.
Exercise
I try to do some exercise every weeknight, straight after work. I go to the gym, and aim to burn a minimum of 600 calories, but usually about 1000. It’s very much a rule of thumb, and I doubt the gym calorie counts are accurate, but regardless of this, it gives me something to log and compare.
By going regularly, I find I am really enjoying the exercise, doing more and getting fitter. It feels like a routine right now and I don’t think whether I should go after work, I just do.
Breakfast
I tend to have a homemade juice/smoothie. I’m conscious that these can be both calorific and high in sugar, so I watch how I make them, don’t add sugar and try to include veggies too.
These usually keep me going until lunchtime, which means I don’t worry about the 300 or so calories, given they satiate me.
Lunch
Usually something light like two sandwiches in sandwich thins. I use lean meat and salad. If I’m still hungry, I have a cup-a-soup too.
Dinner
A light and balanced meal – often from the Body Coach #leanin15 book. I have noticed that I am eating smaller portions of delicious but healthy meals and these are filling me.
Snacks
I don’t feel the need for much in the way of snacks – the odd piece of chocolate or even cake at work (if it’s a special occasion), but these are all calorie counted, so I don’t feel like I am cheating at all – because I am not!
I have a couple of cups of coffee a day, a few glasses of water and maybe some sugar free drinks.
These are mostly during the day at work. I don’t seem to have much at home because I cook a nice meal that fills me.
At the weekend, I am more relaxed, and don’t mind having a nice meal or few drinks – so long as I count it and don’t get out of control.
And that’s it. Pretty simple, but it seems to work.
Thanks for bearing with me.

The only man in the room.

In the zone?

I’ve not blogged for far too long – probably because I’ve not been in the zone. But that’s exactly the topic of what I’m going to call my comeback blog!
Every year I start with good intentions to lose my Christmas weight and generally be fitter. Sometimes it works, and sometimes it doesn’t.
There are lots of different reasons why it doesn’t work and a heap of excuses on top – I was too busy to be healthy/do exercise, I wasn’t feeling well, I didn’t want to miss out on things that were going on, etc.
But this year has started well, and I have what I think is the right attitude to being healthy, and that’s why I’m writing this blog. I know there will be times again when I’m struggling and don’t feel like being healthy, and I wanted to have something to remind me that I can do it, if I put my mind to it.
At the moment, rather than Slimming World, I am trying a different approach to weight loss – I am calorie counting (but in a relaxed way), and mixing that with lots of exercise, and lots of the Body Coach’s #leanin15 meals. Some people might imagine calorie counting to be restrictive, but I’m finding the opposite is true – I try to eat a balanced diet and that means I can have the occasional treat within my calorie allowance. On Slimming World, I tended to see some foods and meals as out of bounds, or bad, where as I am a little more flexible about that now.
Rather than setting a New Year’s Resolution to lose weight this year (it’s been one for about the last six years), I has resolved to cook more. Too often of an evening I look for a shortcut dinner – a ready meal, soup and a sandwich, or meat and salad. These rarely satisfied me and often weren’t as healthy as I planned. I enjoy cooking so am trying out new meals and trying to make sure they’re balanced and healthy.
So what are the things I need to remember?
I need to remember it’s not that hard to live a healthy lifestyle; I just need to be a little more prepared.
I should remember it’s not a failure to have treats; I just need to count them and have them sparingly.
I really need to remember that it only takes a day or two to get into the zone – if I’ve not been there for a while (like at Christmas), it doesn’t mean I can’t get back there quickly.
The most important thing I need to remember is that I’m not missing out on anything being healthy– I have been out for meals and have time to do all the things I want to.
I also want to remember how good it feels when you are in the zone.  I am more energetic and more confident.
I appreciate this blog might appear a little smug – I want to assure you that isn’t the purpose nor is that the reality – after all my weight isn’t yet at the lowest level it was last year, and some of my clothes are still a bit snug. But I know that the positive feeling I have right now is one I want to last, build upon, and bottle!
While I’m in the zone now, and am doing well, I know there are lots of times when I won’t be. It’s at times like that I’ll come here and remind myself that it’s pretty easy and feels good to be healthy. That’s the point of this blog.
When I next blog, I’ll try to write a little bit more about exactly what I’m doing, so I can use that as a reference in the future too.
Thanks for reading.
The only man in the room.

Thoughts on leaving local government

After more than ten years in local government – the majority of those in communications – I have recently left the sector.

When I started in local government, there was no Twitter, Facebook was only for college students in America, people didn’t blog, and local newspapers were your most important stakeholder.

Whilst local newspapers are still important and continue to be a major part of the communications professional’s day to day work, it’s fair to say that the landscape has changed dramatically.

If I say that one of my first tasks when joining the communications team at my district council was to contact our press release distribution list to check whether they would like us to continue to fax out press releases rather than email them (they did want this), you’ll appreciate just how much things have changed.

Dan and Darren have both blogged about the positives and negatives of working in local government communications much more eloquently than I could, so I won’t retread this ground. But I did want to give some of my own reflections on my time in the sector.

Firstly, I’ve enjoyed the experience thoroughly. I genuinely believe there is no better part of the organisation to work for – the scope and variety of the work really is second to none.

During my time at my council I have worked on projects as diverse as the opening of our new building (a PFI, so perhaps best not discussed in much more detail now), to the closure of our civic hall; from protest rallies to peaceful protests; from major national issues like the storage of nuclear waste to hyper-local issues like the location of litter bins; as well as sensitive and challenging issues like deaths on our land and one major and infamous national incident which will never leave me or the rest of the community.

I’ve worked with a range of people including the local MP, national politicians, celebrities, subject matter experts, Buckingham Palace, journalists from across the world (from Nippon TV to Al Jazeera), amongst others.

Secondly, the face of local government communications has changed, is changing and will change again. Successful local government communicators are those who recognise this and are keen to feel their way through these changes, learning as they go. If the idea of a press officer feels antiquated, it’s because it is.

Others have blogged about the range of skills needed in local government communications, but suffice to say that the list is probably already out of date. But the good news is that working in the sector in what will inevitably be a small and reducing team, means you will have plenty of opportunities to develop your skills.

As the senior communications professional in my organisation, I was responsible for a range of areas including public relations, media relations, internal communications, marketing, branding, design, consultation and engagement to name a few.

As well as the on-the-job experience I picked up in these areas, I also benefited from some excellent training opportunities including undertaking a management diploma and my CIPR diploma – both of which has proved useful, from both a knowledge development and networking point of view.

Whilst I am thoroughly positive about my time in local government, the experience I’ve gained and the skills I have developed, it does feel like the tide is turning, especially for small district authorities.

The last couple of years in local government have been almost entirely devoted to communicating difficult messages relating to budget cuts, at the same time managing budget and staffing cuts in my own team. Like so many of my experiences in local government, it has been a useful one. But more years of further cuts now don’t feel like as much of a learning experience, but simply another opportunity for people to beat us.

So it was with a heavy heart that I left local government; but I know it was the right time to do so. I am now looking forward to forging a new career in the nuclear sector, using the breadth of skills, experience and connections I have developed over the last ten years – conscious that there are very few places I’d have been able to get this.

To all those still working in local government communications, I wish you the very best of luck. One thing that is for sure is that those who innovate are those who will succeed.

Finally, I’d like to thank Dan and Darren for all their support and encouragement over the last few years. 

Picture credit.

Back to blogging. Back to fitness?

Yet again, I’ve left it a little while since I last blogged. I’ll now try to make up for it – so I’ll probably blog half a dozen times in a week before I slip again.

When I last blogged, I was talking about the impending Jennings Rivers Ride. Sadly the event was postponed, due to the inclement weather at the time. Looking out of the window now, not much appears to have changed. But in actual fact, the rearranged ride, which seemed such a long way away in September, is rapidly approaching.

As with last year, over the coming weeks, I’ll try to blog about my experiences of training and preparing for the ride – that way it means that I should do some training and preparing.

In recent weeks, due to changes in my life (new job and new home) and an injury (baker’s cyst – fluid behind the knee), I’ve not been doing as much exercise as I should, so I need the Rivers Ride fear to motivate me. Let’s hope it does.

I am also motivated to improve my fitness by the hard work and dedication of one of my very best friends, who has chosen to give up alcohol for the duration of 2014. Karl Connor is blogging, very honestly, and publicly, about his desire to stop drinking.

His push to change his life for the better is a genuine inspiration to me and many other people. I would urge you all to check out his blog, which can be found at ayearinsobriety.wordpress.com.

A number of people have asked me whether Karl will succeed in his challenge. It doesn’t really feel like my place to answer that question, but I can tell you that I have never seen his as driven and resolute in his life, so I do know the answer. He’s looking fitter too.

I want to do all I can to help Karl in his challenge. I am not sure exactly what that looks like, but the best way to do it is probably to take a look at my own lifestyle to try and make some healthy and supportive choices. After all, it’s just as easy to go swimming on a Friday evening as it is to go to the pub! Isn’t it?

On that note, I’m still attending fat club, but in recent weeks I wouldn’t say I’ve been participating. The plan for the next week is to address that.

In the meantime, I’ve recently blogged for the great guys at www.comms2point0.co.uk about my experiences in local government communications. You can find the blog here, and I’ll also upload it to this site.

Thanks for reading.

The only man in the room

One week to go

So there is now less than one week remaining until the 2013 Jennings Rivers Ride, and my preparations are almost complete.

My previous blog outlined how my training was going. It also pointed out that this weekend was the last one left for some decent training. However, the weather has put paid to that. Two incredibly soggy days have meant that I’ve somehow been simply too busy to get out for a ride!

I hope I won’t come to regret this next weekend. I’ll try to get out for a couple of shorter rides this week, just to remind myself what I’m doing.

So because I’ve not been out, my thoughts turned to fundraising. I’m pleased to say that I am well on track for reaching my target of £500+ for the Cumbria Community Foundation and the great work they do in supporting important community projects in Cumbria. (Without getting too preachy, the role of organisations like the Cumbria Community Foundation is increasingly important in times of austerity where funding from local authorities and others is drying up).

I am delighted to report that my fund raising has received a massive boost thanks to the generosity of a number of people and one particular business.

I’d like to thank everyone that has sponsored me so far. I really do appreciate it, and it does provide me with more inspiration to make sure I get around in a decent time.

Special thanks must go to the fabulous guys at Stan Palmer Honda in Cockermouth, who have donated an incredibly generous £100 to the cause. This really is above and beyond what is expected and is testimony to the friendly attitude of Gary Redmond and the team there.

So I’ll issue a final call for sponsors… If you’d like to contribute, however big or small an amount, please visit www.justgiving.com/ian-curwen.

A few people have asked me what my aim is for next Sunday. It’s a hard question to answer. In one respect, simply finishing after having broken my back, will be good enough.

But my competitive nature means that I want to do better than that. Based on previous rides, a time of 6 hours would be brilliant. I doubt I’ll get under that but anything that isn’t too far over will be fantastic for me. That means an average speed of around 12.5MPH. Sounds doable, until you think of how slow some of the passes will be!

Thanks to everyone who has supported me, either in the form of sponsorship or through words of encouragement and motivation. They will be ringing in my ears on Sunday.

Finally, please let this weekend be the rainy one, and next weekend be the dry, wind-free one. Too much to ask?